In the Limerence community, there was a lot of talk about the Netflix series “Baby Reindeer”. Why? Was it because Martha was obsessed with Gus, even with very little reciprocation? Was it because Martha stalked Gus? We didn’t see what Martha was thinking, only her actions. Could her actions be a result of Limerence? Sure. However, without knowing exactly what was on her mind, we can never know. Even interviews with the real-life “Martha” only show us what she wanted us to see.
Contrast that to the Nexflix documentary “Tell Them That You Love Me” about Anna Stubblefield, a Rutgers professor’s, first-hand account of the “love affair” she truly believed she had with a nonverbal man with high levels of physical and intellectual disability.
Let me preface this by stating I have been an advocate for people with disabilities my entire life. I grew up with a sister with cognitive impairment. I have been a special ed teacher for 35 years. I am fully aware that those who are nonverbal have a lot to say. I have taught several students who were thought to be nonverbal, to say their first words. With the improvements in technology, I have seen nonverbal people communicate and people with limited verbal ability become verbose. I am a believer and a teacher of nonverbal communication.
Anna Stubblefield used the discredited practice of Facilitated Communication (FC) to create and then promote her limerent story. It appears she was genuinely interested in teaching her eventual Limerent Object (LO) to communicate with words. It is not clear how that turned to, what I see, as limerence. Her accounts of their budding “romance” and the messages her LO “wrote” on his FC device were classic examples of limerent fantasy.
She used FC in order to “hear” what she wanted to hear from a man who could not tell her otherwise. Her LO’s disability provided the distance that fuels all limerence. She was drowning in mental rumination and fantasy. She created a her limerent story that was more powerful than logic. Limerence does not come from the conscious part of the brain—it is an involuntary attachment, and in this case, caused Stubblefield to sexually assault her (LO). This is an explanation, not an excuse, for her crime.
She still does not believe she committed a crime. She says she did what she did out of love. It appears she spent her time in prison, and her time since, in the habit rituals that reinforce her limerence. Creating scenarios about what could have been. Another limerence hallmark.
I must admit a small part of me felt sympathy for Stubblefield—she was so clearly living in a fictitious world of her own creation. She was not in control of her feeling, her narrative, and her behavior. This delusion caused her to assault this man who trusted her. It makes me fear what limerence can cause us to do. Now, we can bring in Martha from Baby Reindeer.
